Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Purity of Motivation

I spent all of June spelling out the pivotal time period from October 25th, 2012 to January 6th, 2014 in order for what I am about to write throughout most of July to make any sense.  I feared spending so much time in what might appear to be wallowing in self-pity, but it was all necessary.  I was--and still am, to an extent--facing an existential crisis.  It seemed much easier to show you completely why before delving into how I had to work through the issue of whether my life is worth living.  Because it is not certain that was the motivation for backing off my suicide plan.  But it is not good enough to do the right thing for the wrong reasons.
The crux of the problem can best be illustrated by a story I heard recently. 
A man’s ten year old daughter was in a horrible accident.  She suffered brain damage which has rendered her completely dependent on other people for her care.  Her status will never change.  Her parents take care of her at home rather than place her in some kind of full-time care facility.  The father admitted he took on the heavy responsibility of caring for his daughter because he felt guilty her condition was punishment for his sins.  He needed to learn--and eventually did--that he should want to care for his daughter out of love for her, not guilt over her debilitated condition.
The result would have been the same either way.  Whether the man was racked by guilt or driven by love, his daughter was going to get the care she needed.  But the former is an unhealthy motivation.  Guilt is a bad reason to do anything.  Love is a healthy, positive reason.  The former would lead to negative outcomes for all parties regardless of whether the basic need of care is still provided.
So it is not enough to decide suicide is a nasty business I have a difficult time partaking in.  I have to want to live.  To see the value in a life I have long since that pointless.    It has not been an easy journey thus far.  Certain people have attempted, deliberately or inconsiderately, to make it even more difficult.  Sometimes, I am not even certain what am I looking for even exists or will satisfy me even if it does.  There are very few definite in life.  The future is often so scary, few honestly think about their own. 
But I am in the spot now where such is unavoidable.  I have spent the last few months living in a place where one’s worst possible future stares me right in the face everyday.  No one ever says they hope to retire to a nursing home one day   I also have a lot of time on my hands to think.  You know what they say about how dangerous that is.  Add an internet connection and a blog, and we shall find out just how dangerous I can be.  Hopefully, I will be more helpful than anything else. 

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