Saturday, July 19, 2014

Oubliette

I entered Oakhaven exactly one year ago today.  It is difficult to grasp that it has been so long.  My thoughts have often been on either the better times of the past or the frightening possibilities of the future.  Living in the here and now has always been a difficult thing for goal oriented me, but it has been even more tumultuous since arriving at Oakhaven.  Living in the present is not all that pleasant. 
   
It is interesting the anniversary comes after a a week of personal conflicts which have been simmering for six months.  As fate would have it, completely unrelated conflicts arose later in the week which caused me to suffer, without exaggeration, a near nervous breakdown.  I am afraid my weakened emotional state can send my blood pressure and pulse to dangerous levels that only medication can calm.  So here is where we are now.  I am definitely not the guy I used to be.
   
I have no shortage of mother hens at the moment.  Even a rooster or two.  Do not fret to much over me, if you are inclined to do so.  The last couple days have been much calmer.  The solutions to several issues are within reach, as well.  But these are problems of circumstance.  Those are always the easiest to repair.
  
 It is the intangibles that are difficult.  How do you forgive another who is not apologetic?  It is no easy task, but I must find a way to do it.  Holding animosity for a long time will eat you up inside.  How do you let go of the anger over an issue when another will not admit it was wrong to deliberately cause the problem in the first place?  I do not know. Even though I have done it before.  I have even admitted on Cogito Ergo doleo I held pity for denise, as she must be a hopelessly miserably person to do the things she does to others.  Surely I can find it in myself to do it again for one with whom I have a far less intimate relationship.
  
 So now that any semblance of my previous life is at least a year behind me, now what?  At the moment, I have no idea.  There is a newly emerging health issue which could require any number of treatments ranging from simple to long ranging and devastating.  The former would be nice.  The latter would be in keeping with past experience with such matters.  When it is all out of the way--whenever it is out of the way--I will begin to think of the future once more. 
   
Until then, a little more healing of the flesh.  A more quickening of the spirit.  A little more soul searching.  A little more seeking revelation.  A little more exploring existentialism.   Maybe watching a Law & Order: SVU marathon or three.   A little more blogging to sort it all out.  Well, except for the Law & Order: SVU stuff.  Some things you have to keep to yourself.  

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