Sunday, June 1, 2014

Finally Slowing Down to Think

It has been incredibly awful year.  I have mention that a time or three in recent weeks.  After being uprooted 53 weeks ago, I have bounced around with both my immediate and distant future in the air.  The last year has been the first time in my life in which I had no long term goal to work towards, even one as frivolous as maintaining a daily blog.  That goal is still an elusive little critter, too.  You would think bouncing around various medical facilities with nothing to do but stare at the ceiling in between Law & Order: Special Victims Unit marathons would offer me plenty of time to contemplate matters.  You would be incorrect.
Reeling may be a better term for how I spent my time.  Quietly, because even the strangers I was now3 surrounded by hyad no business inside my head.  I have always counted on myself because other people lived to disappointed even when they faked caring.  The whole world is full of people who do not care.  You were aware, yes?  It did not take long for me to come up with an unpopular solution to beat a hasty exit from this veil of tears which wound up not being as easy as I thought it would be.  It was time to think a little more constructively.  In recent weeks, I have finally found the time to do so.
The primary question I have had to explore is whether, by choosing to live, have I condemned myself to a life of misery due to circumstance beyond my control or can I make a spiritual, emotional, and mental chance to transcend those circumstances beyond my control?  The cynic in me has run on a long leash throughout my adult life, so my immediate answer ought to be obvious.  But deep down I know the latter is the proper way to go.  Not that the future is ever clear or even bright with that attitude, it is closer to proper than where I am now. 

 I am a new creature in many respects.  There is not much of the old Jamie left, at least in terms of the tangible.  Much of the good intangibles have been beaten down by time and fate.  Much of the intangible baggage dominates my thoughts.  How can they not at this point?  They need to be purged.  It has been a long time since I have liked Jamie because of those dark intangibles.  I have had a lingering notion to kill him for the better part of a decade which only in recent times seems hasty.  There are still a few gold nuggets among the rocks.  But I have to dig for them.

 There have been interesting excursions into self-discovery.  Has my death grip on introversion, cynicism, mistrust, and borderline nihilism not been the protective shield I once believed?  The answer must be no, but I demand proof, darn it!  There has been no shortage of people trying to hand me that proof in the last few months.  Pursuing me--hounding, even--if you asked my inner hermit.  Heh.  Regardless, what follows is my effort to stop and take an honest look at the consequences of my past and how I can learn from them to greet the future with a better attitude.

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