The last few posts have caught you all up to speed on many new things. There have been so many changes in my life, I can no longer go on blogging as I once did and must shift gears. My health declined rapid for nearly a year before extensive medical care helped turn my status around. Now you also know I have been abandoned by my sister with whom I had lived with since my health took its first major turn for the worse in 2004. There is a true mix of good and bad to be found within those developments. I am not entirely sure I even know the proper place to categorize them all. But figuring out that sort of thing is what blogging is for, right?
Anyone who has read my previous blog for any length of time--some of you have for years, thanks--should already realize my living situation was not good on several levels. For one, my health had been a chronic drag. Most of the time I was languishing with a tedious routine in order to maintain what I had left. Occasionally, health issues, particularly my colon, flared up and would knock me back for months at a time. For another, my living arrangement was awful. My sister and I had been estranged for years prior to our mother’s death. Neither of us had any desire to have a permanent living arrangement together, but that is what happened. I was little more than a boarder in her house for nearly a decade. A hermit in near solitary confinement. . These two circumstances beat me down into a spiraling depression with constant thoughts of suicide halted only by Christian convictions. I was a mess.
I still am a mess. But a change of environment surrounded by people who care on all levels has given me a chance to begin rebuilding myself. It was not easy to get this point, so the realization I am still a work in progress is a daunting realization. There is a long road ahead. Cogito Ergo Doleo is intended to draw the map as we go along so perhaps someone else will not have to wander through the wilderness as long as I did in order to find their way back. The spiritual aspect of the journey is the most arduous, and I have the scars to prove it.
A key problem of mine, in the last decade particularly, but probably longer, has been the constant presence of negativity warping my perception of God. Which is not to say I abandoned my faith at any point. I did not, but I viewed God as a distant and harsh Being. I accepted his existence intell4ectually without doubt, but I did not sense him emotionally. Such a belief did not make me a deist, but I did not miss it by much. When no one else in your life cares about you, it is easy to believe God does not, either, particularly when bad circumstances are overwhelming. My viewpoint is beginning to change from a belief in the distant, punishing God of fundamentalism to one of grace. I thought I had rejected much of fundamentalism by eschewing the Bob Jones theology forced upon in my youth and avoiding much of Regent University theological scuffles later in life. Perhaps I have not cleansed myself as well as previously thought.
Embracing grace is important, but so is shedding the skepticism and distrust I have of people in general in order to live a less solitary life. I confess this has thus far been the more difficult task. Reach out to God, and He will not disappoint. Reach out to people, and you are asking for heartache. Again, we have another divide. Intellectually, I know the occasional moments of pain are worth the joys of relationships, but emotionally, diving under the bed at the first sign of trouble sounds like a fantastic idea. At least I do not possess the urge to sit on the floor of a locked closet with a loaded gun pointing at the door. So I am not exactly at rock bottom. I just have a good view of it from here.
So there you go. Many things to talk about. Many things to explore. I tend to ebb and flow, even now with helping hands, and I suspect variance will be noticeable as Cogito Ergo strolls along the path I have chosen to undertake. The philosophy here is going to be very different than my previous blogging effort as I try to walk away from my troubled past into an uncertain future that has to be better, if I can equip myself to face it head on.